Today is my birthday. 51.
It’s a strange experience to realize I am sitting on the other side of half way through my life. Years ago my mom had cancer (she’s fully recovered!) and part of her treatment included declaring how long she wanted to live. She chose 90. It prompted me to think about my own life and I chose 100. I want to live to be a fabulously successful 100 year old artist! I always think, if I get too old for the physical demands of glass blowing, I will paint. I hope by then somebody figures out how to make oil paints without the ghastly fumes.
Birthdays are a time when I reflect on what I’ve done in the last year and ask myself if I’m satisfied with what I “spent” that year on. Did I let it dribble away, or did I really live the year? I regularly live with the same impression – on a day-to-day basis, I always feel I could have worked harder and accomplished more. I never seem to escape that voice sitting there on my shoulder, whispering into my ear, “you should be working harder, you should have this done already, you should have done more yesterday and you’d be ahead of where you are, you should already be there”. But on my birthday I look back at my accomplishments and think, I’m living a good life. My marriage and family are in good shape and that’s the most important. Then, my career is coming along. And yes, I could probably do more. I could be less afraid of the things I don’t know how to do and less afraid of making mistakes with people. This year I commit to more boldness!
Now, about expectations …
It must be hormonal changes. When Reilly, our youngest son, turned three I had the experience of tangibly increased freedom. I did not need to have my eye on him 24 hours a day, he could use the toilet, drink from a cup, sit at the table and feed himself. Phew! During that time I noticed my reaction to babies change. I love babies, I can’t resist them; but after Reilly turned three, I was no longer charmed by babies. This lasted years. I have been on a mission, pursuing my dream of being one of the top glass artists in the world, and babies have not been appealing.
Now, in the midst of a few years of hormonal changes approaching menopause, I find my feelings changing – I am completely drawn to babies again! What is that? I think female biology comes with hormones that inspire us to be mothers, then new hormones for raising our kids, and still more new hormones to prepare us for being grandmothers. Curious!
My biological changes are showing up in life and in my art, of course. I have not been the slightest bit interested in having pets, and recently decided I’m ready. Now we are “expecting” a puppy. In 2 1/2 weeks we will have our (for now) little great dane puppy. I feel much like I did when expecting my kids. Nervous, excited, nesting, making preparations. I can’t wait.
And I’m making “expectant plants” in glass. Vines pregnant with fruits. The fruits are contained within the plants, connected with umbilical cords. So far I have made an expectant cyclone and I’m nearly done with another expectant vessel. Here’s the vessel in process, the main body complete with lemon “fetus”, and the leaves laid out ready to attach. Last will be the roots. On Sunday I have a shoot scheduled with my photographer, Keay Edwards, and will post photos of the completed pieces.